The Male Retreat


Let me start out by saying I love my husband.  We’ve been together for over 15 years, through the good, the bad and the crazy, but sometimes his lack of understanding of women amazes me.  I will say that 95% of the time he is aces, but it’s that 5% that he just doesn’t get it.  I have conversations with my girlfriends all the time, and when we discuss our husbands and the stupid shit they say and do, it all sounds the same.  Most men don’t seem to understand the concept of common courtesy.  How an “I’m going to be late” text or maybe not pretending to take a 45 minute shit so they can be on their phone, (while the kids are trying to kill each other in the other room, while we are trying to make dinner), how that could make all the difference in the world to us, and most likely avoid MANY stupid arguements.  

My husband works long hours and I am a stay-at-home mom to our three little boys, which I am grateful that his job allows me to be home with them.  However, as appreciative as I am, it can be stressful to be home all day talking toddler and not having 5 minutes alone… EVER.  He doesn’t understand what it is like to not be able to pee alone or without someone else trying to stick their head in the toilet to see where the pee-pee comes out of, or trying to fold laundry when someone starts screaming over a toy that fell behind the couch, which then wakes up the baby you JUST got to sleep, and god forbid the phone rings and you try to have a 2 minute conversation- that’s the exact time that the mailman comes which makes the dogs go insane, which then upsets the kids because they can’t hear their tv show, which wakes the baby up that you JUST put in AGAIN.  While he’s at work dealing with adult stress, I’m home dealing with child stress, (which I love my boys more than anything in the world), can wear you down.  He doesn’t know what it’s like trying to nursing a teething baby (who is attempting to bite your nipple off), while being summoned into the bathroom for the 3rd time because your potty-training 3 yr old has to poop, or says he does… and god forbid you don’t get up to help him, because of countless false alarms, he will basically shit on the floor or fall in the toilet.  After 10 hours of this solo, some days yes I’m wiped… mentally, physically, emotionally… wiped.  So when my husband comes home late, after not calling, and then sits on the couch and dicks around on his phone checking his Twitter and emails, yea it pisses me off.  I know he’s had a long day too- I did work before we had kids- but the resentment just rolls in, and sometimes spews out of my mouth, turning me into a raging psycho bitch.  However, lately, all of this has gotten me thinking… maybe he needs a break?

Before you scratch your head thinking “this chick sounds nuts”, I had this idea that maybe men need a break from it all.  A break from fatherhood and being a husband (no I’m not talking about a hall-pass, I would still cut his balls off for that)… no I’m talking about a vacation away from the shit show that is daily life when you have young children.  Men need to go to an island, a place where they can relax, sleep in, drink, golf, eat whatever greasy food they want, and be pampered… all the while subliminal messages should be playing in the background.  “Appreciate your wife, change a diaper without gagging, pick up the dog shit, get off your phone, make dinner, call if you’re going to be late, get off your phone, ask what you can do to help”… there would be a menu of messages to pick from.  As wives, we could customize the messages to say whatever it is we need from our husbands to make our lives easier.  Then the men would go and come back refreshed and well rested, and more considerate… and then maybe they’d even get laid on a more regular basis because we wouldn’t be so tired and annoyed… it’s just an idea, but I think that’s a win win for everyone lol.  

1 thought on “The Male Retreat”

  1. OMG!! This is spot on!!! I absolutely love it!!! I feel like you are writing about my life too!! Thank you for keeping it real! I really hope you continue to write because I am so glad it is just not me dealing with all of this! (minus the dogs) Keep writing please!!

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